The holidays + Monday? Super awesome combo. That was sarcasm by the way if you couldn’t tell or are new around here. So since it’s jingle bell time and all that, I thought I’d explore some of my pet peeves for the season. I have a feeling no one is with me on this one, but hey, more buzz for me! Read the list after the jump.
1. CYBER MONDAY: Now this is actually happening right now, folks. Today, this very second, zillions of people are ordering snuggies, discount hair products (I totally am), itunes gift cards and chocolate Jesuses for their friends and families (or just for me because I’m selfish). Cyber Monday is the e-buzz e-shadow of Black Friday. Yes, both of these terms sound like scary space movies starring Samuel L. Jackson but no, neither of these terms are factual. Sure, zillions of people are buying crap but it’s never near the gu-zillions that the shadowy men behind the buzzwords would like you to believe. My point is, it’s pretty much bullshit. Which is annoying in itself. However, my true buzz here? The fact that these words inspired anti-capitalists to make up their own term…
2. Buy Nothing Day. Nowhere near as catchy, dudes. Politics sort of aside, creating a day where people boycott buying presents for me hurts my soul and my future Gap floor manager opportunities. Plus, the people staying home that day, “Buying Nothing” will most likely be out there the next day “Buying shit they really didn’t need but had to buy since they needed to make up for yesterday’s satisfaction-less depression.” It’s Christmas dudes. How about buying something for a kid who’s parents can’t afford to put anything under the tree. I dare you to critical mass yourself for Toys for Tots. In the meantime, I’m thankful for my mom and dad’s blatant consumerism. Especially that year I got the She-Ra castle.
They even make their children dress up like zombies to walk around in malls. Really? Now you’re messing with my Halloween? Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
3. Holiday Buzzkills: You know who you are. You start around Halloween with heavy sighs, bitching about having to buy your second cousin a Twilight nightlight. Look, I’m a little stressed out too. I just added like 30 people to my gift list and they are all future in-laws which means I’m being judged for presentation and price point. I’m scurrred. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate this wonderful time of year. Let’s just pick some of the obvious awesome stuff:
Food – this is the only time of year where no one, not even my mother, can tell me to stop eating so many rolls.
Presents – DUH. I like stuff. I know you do too.
Bowls of Nuts – Oh werd, mom? You splurged on eight different varieties of nuts that I have to crack open which allows me to focus all my attention on one precious, elusive nut inside there-by understandably ignoring the other relatives? Rad.
Gay musicians – At Christmas, my entire family demonstrates their uncompromising tolerance and lets me listen to the same Johnny Mathis album I’ve heard since birth. It’s all about tradition, people.
The man’s a genius.
Last but not least, Family – Seriously. A long, long time ago when I was selling funky monkeys at T.G.I.Friday’s my manager told me something that made me laugh in his face. I was 18 at the time and he was 28 (my age now). He said, “the older you get, the more time you want to spend with your family.” Now I get it. We don’t live forever. I actually did make it past 23. That maladjusted dude was right. Amazingly right.
Happy holidays!
