You may have noticed, (well, maybe you haven’t) I’ve been absent for a while. That’s because I’ve recently entered the strange and adrenalin filled world of politics. More specifically, I’ve been tracking, following and reporting on the upcoming republican primary. I also happen to live in NH. Not sure if you heard, but we’re a pretty big deal when it comes to primaries.

Before the audible shock wave crosses the entire internet, let me explain one thing: I’m not interested in voting for a Republican candidate. I am interested in getting them to declare clearly what their stance is on certain issues. These guys can be a little vague at times. I’m also very, very interested in how the candidates communicate with potential voters. Their website is a good starting point for discussion. After the jump, I’ve spared you the pain of actually going to these sites and gave you a screen snap of (almost) everyone who is vying for a spot against Barack Obama in 2012. His website, as you can see above, is kinda awesome in terms of design. And when I say “awesome,” I think I mean targeted towards me – a fairly young voter with an eye for good looking things. Just look at those vintage-toned photos of gorgeous love birds M & B!

Read and see more after the jump.

 

 

I’m giving Huntsman the first slot here because he has been kissing NH’s butt (he’s logged over 100 visits to the granite state so far) and used to be in a metal band in his younger days. Jon’s got a fairly conservative identity going on. His logo, however, I’ve been trying to figure out for months now. All I ever see is a 9-11 reference, or a construction worker type treatment of the H, like building blocks or steel beams. I think he’s the only one who uses black in his identity and does not use any sort of american flag motif. Hmmm…highly questionable! I want to see that birth-certificate!!!

Oh, Herman. How quickly you’ve fallen at the hands of hot blondes. Sure, you may have lost of lot of female votes, but one thing you’ve consistently been good at is messaging. And I’m not talking about the 4am text messaging that you have to explain to your wife today. I’m talking 9-9-9. I’m talking that map of your foreign policy right on your home page. “Russia: Rival.” “Brazil: Friend.” “Egypt: Danger and Opponent.” I mean, that’s almost brilliant. Taking a deeply complex and potentially explosive issue such as foreign policy and condensing it, whittling it down to a strategy much like picking people for your kickball team. Foolish and superficial though it may be in reality, damn can a layman understand that in 2.5 seconds. There is still power in simple copywriting, people. Copywriter: +1. Logo designer: -15 for that heinous olympic torch.

NEWT!!! Newt, you are such a bratty brat. That’s pretty much the only thing I love about you. He’s personally my biggest target because unlike the other candidates, Newt’s the most crystal clear in his soundbites. See quote in regards to capital punishment:

“You import commercial quantities of drugs in the United States for the purpose of destroying our children, we will kill you… “

He’s throwing out fighting words and he’s not asking anyone for forgiveness. He’s also the closest thing to a complete corporation disguised as a man with some serious daddy issues. If you try hard, you can see all that in his website and identity. It’s abrasively clear and good at making money. That explains his recent rise in polls even though he has been avoiding NH like the plague. UGH. Come on Newt, I’m dying to get into a screaming match with you!

Oh, and look, his team even threw his latest wife, Callista a bone with “Callista’s Canvas.” How sweet.

Rick Perry, I’ve stopped laughing at you. Just like that time I had to stop laughing at the guy on the subway who had star trek glasses on and was wearing red bicycle shorts. I thought he looked funny and then he turned around and OH MY GOD, he had a huge boner. That shit is not funny. That is just dangerous and crazy. Rick Perry = the guy with the big red boner. Also, your website and logo is just gross. We’d like to detain and deport your graphic designer, please.

Mitt Romney, everyone is asking “Who are you, dude?”  One  minute you’re governor of Mass implementing healthcare for everyone and then you’re saying job #1 when you’re in the white house is to eradicate “Obama Care” which is…healthcare for everyone. You seem like such a straightforward, stable candidate. Look at that grid system on your website! Clear, concise, no frills. But I have to admit, I’m distracted by your logo which is the complete opposite of tight and concise. It looks like a drunk and stroke-ridden Milton Glaser did half a poster for an americana themed production of the Whiz. BOO. I’m confused. By everything.

Before everyone in the room goes, “Oh, now I actually have a lot of respect for Ron Paul,” I’m just going to say three words: CLICK ON ISSUES. His site, like his campaign is, well, I’m just going to say it, inflammatory.  ”Have the Terrorists Won?” Front and center. End the fed. Lower taxes. Pro-life. Isolationist. Way too pumped on home-schooling.

You cannot vote for a guy just because he wants to legalize marijuana. Please, people. Actually read his stance on the issues. Look at his logo. Seems pretty solid, straight forward, strong, yeah? But why that weird eagle watermark behind his name?? Exactly.

Faith, family and freedom world tour!!! Rick Santorum sells out the Orpheum!!! Yeah, that’s about all he’s got and you may call the right hand navigation “unique” but I like to call it duuuuuumb. It’s all like a bad ticket selling site. And his logo? All I can think of when I see that eagle on a road sign is rock, flag and eagle. That’s all I think of. I doubt anyone else is thinking much more of Santorum at this point.

I have little to say about Michelle Bachmann, other than SHE CRAAAAY-CRAY. I’m fairly certain her NH campaign team quit on her because she refused to stop smiling like that. She may be the first female robot running for president. Good for you, girl.

*Post-post note:

Obviously, the above comments are my own, fairly superficial musings. In all seriousness, I’d be willing to bet that many of you readers are registered dems. That doesn’t excuse you from learning about these candidates. Especially if you participate in any political argument now until Feb 2012. Which is inevitable when you go home for the holidays to visit your families.

Also, if you’re of voting age and have not registered yet, make sure you do. Your informed opinion counts.

You really, really have no excuse to be silent.

 

 

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